Forgiveness is just hard sometimes...

I just wanted to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAM..., It can be so frustrating how hard it can be to forgive, especially our loved ones. In this case today my two sons...It was just one of those really bad days, scratch that a bad week with them all week led up to this explosion on an important weekend. How unloved my sons can make me feel is just so mind blowing. They where disrespectful, disobedient and a distraction. At one point so blatant defiant I had to leave church and take them to sit with dad at his job. I was so stressed out I thought I was going to puke ( to do at 9 months pregnant..not fun..)...The minute I left them with thier dad this relief just came over me. I took the girls to dinner and back to church in time for service to start.

So now what,I am struggling with forgiving them for their behavior this week and especially today, I feel hurt and dishonored, the anger I feel inside and the flesh feels they don't deserve it my forgiveness. They don't, none of us really deserve forgiveness..but God forgave us when we least deserved it. He sent His son to die so that we could be forgiven and reconciled back to Him. All of this He did and we did not deserve it.

So now I have to put my feelings aside, and forgive them whether I feel like I want to or not, because Jesus would want me to. I forgive because I love God and want to be obedient and pleasing to Him.

I will forgive them because I love them..
I will forgive them because I am forgiven..
I will forgive them because the enemy wants me to stay angry and cause further strife..
I will forgive them because I want to increase my character and model forgiveness for my children..

....This morning a sister in Christ told me, just speak out loud and tell satan you cant play with him anymore..She is right..So satan I'm not playing anymore, I am returning to my Fathers arms for comfort and forgiveness and restoring peace back into this household! AMEN!!

Proverbs 14:18 A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

I want to be the wise woman that builds her house..

30 days and counting ~ His continued faithfullness

30 days to go..the last 8 months have been filled with one scare after another or one specialist after another. I have had to completely rely on God to provide for this baby not only in Health but also financially. As a codependent who can do everything herself this has been really hard for me. My mind in the first half of my pregnancy really wrestled to give God the control, step out of His way and trust him completely. But the hardest thing was really coming to a place to accept His will over mine for this baby.

As time went on it did get easier to release my mind and anxiety. Every time I had a thought or action that told me I was trying to control the situation I prayed, asked for forgiveness and focused on scriptures that tell me otherwise..Jeremiah 29:11, Hebrews 11:1..Making the choice either I trust Him or I don't..realizing that there is no middle gray area..I color in the gray area and complicate it in my mind.

Right now after being cleared form the Peri I had two gallbladder attacks in 3 days. I have never experienced pain in that way before( 12 hour heart attack! yikes!!). The first attack triggered contractions. That was two weeks ago, I am on a very difficult gallbladder diet, It is interesting how deeper and deeper I experience trusting Him, in a time I would overeat to deal with my feelings I can't, the baby would be put at risk i would not do that. I have experienced a hunger pains I have never experienced before but I also learned I am still alive, I am sustained..this week I feel a content with food I have never felt before. My feelings...I had to feel my way through them and guess what..I survived that too!

God is faithful in my life and my recovery issues..I still have days that seem like I will never make it through it with out an entire chocolate fudge cake and gallon of ice cream, but I do and I am.

Everyday I am reminded that my Father and Jesus love me more and can help me more then when I isolate or binge eat.

I am Thankful and overwhelmed that my Father would entrust me with another one of His little miracles..I accept His will not only for CJ's life, but for all of us. When I am focused on that, it is the most wonderful amazing place to be.