Sunday, December 19, 2010

My Daughters Lead Me ...

After I published that post on struggling with forgiving because of how I felt I went to bed. I plopped in that bed exhausted, didn't have the energy to put the girls in their own beds. As I said goodnight to them and struggled inside my thoughts My 6 year old tells her sister how she was sorry for how she treated her today, gave specifics then asked for her forgiveness...my four year old replied quickly yes I do then in return apologized to her and asked for forgiveness..thier converstaion ended with I loves you's and good night..the hardness I felt in my heart just broke instantly. Then my 6 year old apologized and asked for my forgiveness, my 4 year old followed her sister and then I took my turn to apologize for being unloving towards them and asked them both for forgiveness..more I love yous and goodnights...

It took just one step of seeking forgiveness from just one person and it trickled down..My girls lead me that night and exampled the love we should have for one another..To be like a child and have a childs heart...Seeking forgiveness and giving forgiveness in that moment wasnt hard anymore. I felt a little silly, here I try so hard to be a model to them, yet so many times they are models for me, but I have come to know I can learn just as much from them as they can from me.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Forgiveness is just hard sometimes...

I just wanted to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAM..., It can be so frustrating how hard it can be to forgive, especially our loved ones. In this case today my two sons...It was just one of those really bad days, scratch that a bad week with them all week led up to this explosion on an important weekend. How unloved my sons can make me feel is just so mind blowing. They where disrespectful, disobedient and a distraction. At one point so blatant defiant I had to leave church and take them to sit with dad at his job. I was so stressed out I thought I was going to puke ( to do at 9 months pregnant..not fun..)...The minute I left them with thier dad this relief just came over me. I took the girls to dinner and back to church in time for service to start.

So now what,I am struggling with forgiving them for their behavior this week and especially today, I feel hurt and dishonored, the anger I feel inside and the flesh feels they don't deserve it my forgiveness. They don't, none of us really deserve forgiveness..but God forgave us when we least deserved it. He sent His son to die so that we could be forgiven and reconciled back to Him. All of this He did and we did not deserve it.

So now I have to put my feelings aside, and forgive them whether I feel like I want to or not, because Jesus would want me to. I forgive because I love God and want to be obedient and pleasing to Him.

I will forgive them because I love them..
I will forgive them because I am forgiven..
I will forgive them because the enemy wants me to stay angry and cause further strife..
I will forgive them because I want to increase my character and model forgiveness for my children..

....This morning a sister in Christ told me, just speak out loud and tell satan you cant play with him anymore..She is right..So satan I'm not playing anymore, I am returning to my Fathers arms for comfort and forgiveness and restoring peace back into this household! AMEN!!

Proverbs 14:18 A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,
but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

I want to be the wise woman that builds her house..

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Funny thing we call plans...

So much time has gone by since I created this blog and planned big ideas for it. I am learning that while you may make plans life comes along and changes them on you..lol

My life has gone topsy turvey and sideways. sounds nauseating I know :) The thing is, God's plans are so much bigger then our own. Had I blogged with my original intentions it would of just been surface or only how much I felt comfortable sharing..and please, I must only share the good stuff. But life isnt always good and people aren't inspired by your goodness, they are inspired by your transparency and how you got through life when it was hard.

little over a year ago I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting and found out that I have issues and I do not have it all together... SHOCKING! I know... After the shock and denial wore off I went to my first womens step study and found out it takes 12 months to do 12 steps..what!?! you mean we dont work on a step a week..lol

A more then a year later and God has radically changed my life and is continuing to do so through prayer, spending time with him, @ retreat in zion, Celebrate Recovery, step study and the most amazing bible study I have ever been in "Experiencing God".( to name a few) I can not even begin to share how my relationship is changing and growing with God not to mention the growth through the trials and circumstances along the way, currently going on and those to come.

I am completely ok most of the time saying I do not have a perfect life, perfect husband, I am not a perfect person, wife, daughter or mother. But I do have a perfect God and I am His daughter!

I look forward to sharing as the Spirit leads me to share.

Hi my name is Chrystal, I am a Grateful believer in the Jesus Christ in recovery of Adult Child of Family Dysfunction, Codependency, and Anger, Emotional binge eating and spending,..

30 days and counting ~ His continued faithfullness



30 days to go..the last 8 months have been filled with one scare after another or one specialist after another. I have had to completely rely on God to provide for this baby not only in Health but also financially. As a codependent who can do everything herself this has been really hard for me. My mind in the first half of my pregnancy really wrestled to give God the control, step out of His way and trust him completely. But the hardest thing was really coming to a place to accept His will over mine for this baby.

As time went on it did get easier to release my mind and anxiety. Every time I had a thought or action that told me I was trying to control the situation I prayed, asked for forgiveness and focused on scriptures that tell me otherwise..Jeremiah 29:11, Hebrews 11:1..Making the choice either I trust Him or I don't..realizing that there is no middle gray area..I color in the gray area and complicate it in my mind.

Right now after being cleared form the Peri I had two gallbladder attacks in 3 days. I have never experienced pain in that way before( 12 hour heart attack! yikes!!). The first attack triggered contractions. That was two weeks ago, I am on a very difficult gallbladder diet, It is interesting how deeper and deeper I experience trusting Him, in a time I would overeat to deal with my feelings I can't, the baby would be put at risk i would not do that. I have experienced a hunger pains I have never experienced before but I also learned I am still alive, I am sustained..this week I feel a content with food I have never felt before. My feelings...I had to feel my way through them and guess what..I survived that too!

God is faithful in my life and my recovery issues..I still have days that seem like I will never make it through it with out an entire chocolate fudge cake and gallon of ice cream, but I do and I am.

Everyday I am reminded that my Father and Jesus love me more and can help me more then when I isolate or binge eat.

I am Thankful and overwhelmed that my Father would entrust me with another one of His little miracles..I accept His will not only for CJ's life, but for all of us. When I am focused on that, it is the most wonderful amazing place to be.